Phase 1: Change your mentality and habits, your actions will follow suit

I get the impression most of you are here thinking we’re going to have a tea party bashing my child’s father. And for obvious reasons of the past, that’s a valid assumption. Sorry love, this here post is for Mature Audiences only!

There are so many stereotypes and prejudices when it comes to co-parenting, and to some degree getting along with the other parent is necessary. I can tell you most opinions and the advice I’ve received came from people who might have heard the stories, but they haven’t felt what I felt in my heart. It’s so easy to say you would have responded differently to a situation you've never been in and that, however, is JUDGEMENT!

I realize that I am not the first person to find myself attempting to raise a strong, confident, and loving child with someone I feel is irrational. Months even years of unmet expectations, aggressive language, and an unwillingness to compromise have worn me out. I tried everything you can think of to make it better from, 1:1 conversation, filing a joint parenting plan (refusal of child support), mediation, therapy, and taking an online parenting course. Seems fair right? It wasn’t until I read about Parallel Parenting, it allows for high-conflict co-parents to maintain their collective parenting responsibilities while disconnecting from each other personally. This is when things started to register to me, I adopted this style of parenting and began to emulate the behavior. 

Now helping raise a black boy in America comes with no rule book. I have to fight any thoughts of past negativity and look at the positives he may have gotten from his father naturally. For instance, he is an educated black man I can positively remind and push my son to go to college (if his career path requires that when it's time) because his father did.

I want to be candid with you; you are not wrong for having lingering resentment or unresolved anger about your child’s father (I hope you heal from this), but you are wrong for letting it leak into your interactions with your child.

Ask yourself, is being labeled as a typical bitter baby momma worth it? After changing my mentality, I started to create better habits, notice I don’t refer to him as my “baby daddy” I think the entire culture of this baby momma/daddy title is seriously toxic and it sets an unwanted precedent. I am a woman, a mother, who understands that the best thing I can do for my child is to take care of me. A few things I built into habit are..

• Commitment to open communication: I'm still learning to keep it business-friendly, kid-focused, and on point. (Email only unless an emergency)

• Being optimistic: It is my job to teach tenacity and I speak positively instead of condemning his father. (Esp. in front of him or ear-shot)

• Mental agility: I stop assuming the mental/emotional stunts my co-parent was pushing for is to drive me insane. (I filter every situation analyzing what is best, for the wellbeing of my child)

Listen, “If You Can Change Your Mind, You Can Change Anything” great habits have the potential to change your perspective and even direction in life. A new direction is often what we need to get out of an unhealthy situation. Again, ask yourself, are my current actions keeping me balanced and healthy? I answered No. I forgot somewhere on this journey I had the power to shape my reality.

I had given up my power through “Expectations”.  If a person doesn’t live up to what we expect of them, we get upset, disappointed, or whatever it is that we may feel. My reactions stemmed from my expectations. Trust me there are instances where you do have to tell it like it is and rightfully so! (Be mature about it)

You’ve got the power and the sooner you understand it the better off you’ll be. "If you want other people to change, start with yourself, and make sure the things you want them to change about themselves are things you do effectively yourself."

Learning how to co-parent effectively could be a long road with some bumps along the way. I truly admire the fine examples who remind me that I am doing this hard work to raise a happy and emotionally healthy child. Sometimes it’s worth taking the high road achieving that goal and Oh Honey, I am that Mom!